The Internal War

I wake up, what’s for breakfast? How much can I eat? I check my stomach in the mirror. I am filled with disgust. Why can’t I get the numbers right? Why do I look like this?

I walk to the kitchen, all I can think about is food. It’s all I ever think about. I make a bowl of oatmeal toppped with fruit and peanut butter. A safe food, anything else would fill me with panic.

The minute breakfast is over, the thought of what’s for lunch floods my brain. I push the thought aside. I get ready to run and by 10 a.m. I am out the door. The silence is gone. Back to food. What’s for lunch? I put something together fast. I’m starving. My mind and body scream at me. Lunch is over great... Now what? All day my mind is just consumed with food. What will I eat next? Calories, nutrition and so on. Till I go to bed at 8 p.m and repeat the process the next day.

Life with an eating disorder is a constant battle. It’s a war going on in your brain, a war some days you don’t even know what side to take.

So many people fight this battle. Look around, you may even know someone close to you who is fighting this exact battle.

I am beyond grateful for how far I have come in my recovery and to be in the place I am today. No one thing is to blame for putting me in the place I was. A lot contributed like quarentine, people and comments that led my mind to play their tricks. It’s no one’s fault, it’s a mental disorder.

“It’s absolute hell. It made me miserable. I didn’t lose only weight, I lost friends, relationships, my health and my joy of running. I learned that my life should not be defined by food and eating. I would say the best advice is to chose recovery, it is so hard but so worth it,” commented a senior.

“It affected me so much. I pushed people away and lost most my friends. I wasn’t myself, I was always angry and cranky. I lost my menstraul cycle for 1.5 years. It changed my brain, how I viewed myself, food and everything about me” wrote a local sophmore.

Women aren’t the only ones who struggle, men also fight this draining battle. “ I hated myself and body so much that I could no longer stomach food... My advice for people out there is that it is going to be hard, but learn to keep a good mind, and try to find anything to help your negativity.” said a local male.

No one is ever alone in their fight. Over 9% of the entire world population have dealt with an eating disorder and only 60% recover. Eating disorders have the highest death percentage in relation to all other mental disorders.

If you are struggling never be afraid to reach out.

This week marks National Eating Disorder Awarness week. If you or anyone you know is struggling, reach out! You are never alone!